Dating an unbeliever

4 Oct

‘But God said ‘Judge not’!’  ‘I am trying to draw her to God’. I’d like to call this ‘Missionary Dating’ or ‘Evangelical Relationship’ where a Christian decides to date a non-Christian hoping to change them. ‘How are we so sure the so-called ‘brothers’ in Church are truly born again?’ ‘I’ve heard cases of workers in Church cheating, sleeping around etc. So since I can’t trust even the believers, I might as well date an unbeliever and by the way, the so called unbeliever I am dating behaves better and is more morally upright than all these ‘speerees”. ‘He’ll change!’ ‘I’m fasting and praying for her and now she has reduced from 1 pack of Benson Lights to 4 sticks per day… ‘These are a few of the numerous excuses we spurt out in quick response to any admonition on dating an unbeliever.

This topic has been hot on my mind for a while and now I have decided to share my ideas, concerns, questions on it. What really does it mean not to be unequally yoked? Is it really so bad to date an unbeliever if we have made it perfectly clear to them what is and what is not acceptable, that is, no sex, not touching, no kissing, no hugging (hehehe…you catch my drift)? What of popular born again couples who end up separating or even worse still, getting a divorce? Does that go to prove the ‘unworthwhileness’ of dating fellow born again Christians?

It broke my heart to tiny little smithereens when I discovered Randy and Paula White were getting a divorce. Those where my sentiments exactly when I also heard of  the Benny Hinn divorce as well as that of Juanita Bynum who apparently was being physically abused by her ‘born again’ husband. Now before you throw daggers my way, I am absolutely not judging! I am simply trying to air the views of those who are puzzled by the whole ‘date only a believer’ theory and the truth in or fallacy of the happy ever after prediction of life with a believer for a partner.

It has always been my belief that when confused, look to the Word. The Word of God stands immutable. His Word is Truth (John 17:17). So what exactly does the Bible say about dating an unbeliever? Does it actually say anything or is everyone simply making rules up? 2 Corinthians 6:14 says: Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? Now, I remember someone has shed light on this scripture to me before. Let me attempt to reproduce the knowledge I received.

When the Bible says ‘yoke’, it refers to the days where oxen were used to carry stuff and they pretty much tied up the load equally on each ox’s back. The idea is that they each shared an equal weight of the entire load. Now imagine one ox having to carry 15kg worth of load and another 50kg, how exactly would that work? Or imagine a body bulder and a weak sick person trying to share equally a weight. They would inevitably be slowed down. They would simply not be able to pull it off! This analogy is applicable to dating as the same goes for Christians and unbelievers since we have absolutely different ‘weights’ or different capabilities in carrying the weight set before us. Dating/marriage amounts to a form of togetherness where these weights are shared. However, because of the difference in viewpoints, beliefs, loves etc, the burden sharing will be akin to the 15:50 oxen issue earlier mentioned. Instead of working together to pull the load, they would be working against each other. It will simply not work! Trust me!

it aint werking!

The same Bible also mentions that we ought not to be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character’ (1 Corinthians 15:33). Dating is an intimate thing. Establishing any manner of intimacy with a sinner WILL hinder your walk with Christ. No two ways. Whilst it is easy to pull someone down, it is arduous to lift people up. And as Joyce Meyer is wont to saying, you are not Holy Spirit Junior. Do not try to save a person by dating them. At the end of the day, you both would be needing salvation!  We have been called to evangelise the lost, not be intimate with them.

Get me not wrong, there is nothing wrong with building good and quality friendships with unbelievers. However, it should go no further. Imagine yourself dating an unbelieving guy who drinks, smokes, does drugs, has pre-marital sex etc, would your priority honestly remain fixed on God? Marrying an unbeliever effectively rules out any form of building up spiritual intimacy in your marriage. You might as well kiss that goodbye.

As for the people of God who after marrying believers still end up divorcing, getting battered etc, I have not the answer to that. As people in my country will say, one thing me I sha know is that God cannot lie. Also, the fact that you have picked a believer is just Step 1 n my humble opinion. There are several other hurdles to cross and you can’t just become complacent ’cause ‘at least you didn’t date the clubbing guy who was asking you out’ and instead you opted for a God loving dude. Other factors come to bear.

So there you have it…my opinion is clear. Do not be deceived. There is no joy in dating an unbeliever. It is a journey on a one way street whose final stop is spelled D.I.S.A.S.T.E.R.

On a very random note, I’m loving Benita Okojie’s new-ish song (remember her from ‘Osemudiamen’?). The song is We Ose. (click to listen). Visit my blog:  http://temiville.wordpress.com/ .

58 Responses to “Dating an unbeliever”

  1. giddie23 October 4, 2010 at 1:21 am #

    word! totally agree..”don’t try to be Holy Spirit junior”

  2. jemine October 4, 2010 at 8:41 am #

    Hmmm…

    • temiville October 4, 2010 at 10:07 am #

      hi Jemine!!! is that an I-totally-disagree ‘hmm’ or I-agree-but-with-some-caveats ‘hmm’?lol…let’s discuss itxxx

  3. Gaminegirlie October 4, 2010 at 11:14 am #

    Firstly, Who is a Believer? A believer is someone who trusts in/relies on Jesus. Who trusts in the saving grace of God. The only way you can really know is by talking to people and asking them, what they believe. I’m sorry but good works do not cut it, at all. That is the danger which comes in assuming someone who smokes (for example) is an unbeliever.

    You know what, before I was of the opinion, that you shouldn’t. then I changed my mind to, you could. Now I truely see where the issue lies. I can’t imagine anyone who has a relationship, a close relationship with someone be it your father, mother, sister, brother or boyfriend. I don’t think you would like to see them perish or constantly heading in the wrong direction. What ever the relationship is, really. The bible itself wasn’t specific on the type of relationship in the passages quoted above.

    I can definitely ‘date’ or marry an ‘unbeliever’. My mum did, and it is all right now, but not without some struggle. I think the best bet, is to ‘date’ someone with a teachable spirit (Like my dad), whether a believer or not. You don’t change people. You can only show them the way through love not coercion or fear, the Holy spirit can work through anyone.

    cheers x

    • wandy October 4, 2010 at 4:20 pm #

      I can understand where you are coming from but there are certain things you must know. Being intimate with someone you do not have anything in common is not intimacy. Why is it called a relationship if you don’t get to relate with each other?
      Relationship is not to be seen on the surface level, it is deep. As Christians, (Christ –Like individual, not just by name or religion) there are certain things the Holy Book teaches that we must abide by. Having someone with a teachable spirit is not enough; you need someone with the Spirit of God who possesses all the qualities of the Spirit that can guide is all ways. Someone who smokes may not only do that alone but also drinks, gets drunk occasionally, acts very irresponsible and so on, the list is endless. Once the word of God is rooted in ones spirit, no matter how he/she goes bad, the truth still lies within.
      In my opinion, i don’t think you want to marry an unbeliever. God bless your Dad and Mum, but the other person out there may not be as nice. Let the Holy Spirit work on them to a certain extent first before you get hooked.

      • tomioladepo October 4, 2010 at 6:11 pm #

        In situations like this, I turn to the Bible for guidiance. The Bible clearly states that “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers…” . The same Bible says, I have placed before you life and death (paraphrased). So really, you have a choice and will reap the consequences – positive or negative. The choice is yours, but it is an act of wisdom to obey the what the Bible says.

      • Gaminegirlie October 4, 2010 at 7:25 pm #

        There are certain things you must know, any kind of relationship can affect you. Tat is what the Bible talks about. Your own definition of things doesn’t fit in here Don’t bring out things that aren’t there. Pray tell who doesn’t have the Spirit of God? You have made yourself Judge and Jury by assuming someone is an ‘unbeliever’ by the things you see, while God sees the heart. If someone isn’t Kind they are just not kind, whether a believer or not, and that would show.

    • Gaminegirlie October 4, 2010 at 7:27 pm #

      @Tomi

      You need to understand what that ‘unequally yoked’ portion of scripture means. Taking it out of context doesn’t answer anything.

    • temiville October 4, 2010 at 7:46 pm #

      Hi GarmineGirlie! I totally know where u r coming from. But i’m sure you will be the first to tell us that it has not exactly been the easiest of journeys. To be fair, no marriage is ‘easy’. However, being with someone who is not on the same page as you further complicates what in reality is already filled with complications.

      I must congratulate your family. You are one of the lucky few. Most people cry out in regret and simply carry on because ‘What will people say?’ or simply because of the kids. I just believe its not worth the risk…x

      • Gaminegirlie October 4, 2010 at 7:59 pm #

        My mum totally believes this is the path God called her to, and you wouldn’t believe that my Dads family (Muslim) most of them are now Christian. You have to take Risks sometimes. If Paul and Co didn’t take risks, I wonder if we would be here talking about this at all. We would probably be in Shangos Shrine, sacrificing goats and cows.

      • oyindasjournie June 19, 2012 at 1:16 pm #

        I will like to add my 2 kobo to this. Recently I was thinking, and asking my self why I would not just marry an unbeliever and get it over with(I’m a mature single) and what the Holy Spirit told me is to go ahead if I can afford the price. The laws of God are definitely not burdensome, they are given to help ease our way in life as we know it. If I marry an unbeliever, am I willing to go through what my mum went through when she started to make a concious effort at serving God? No. Will I want my Children to go through what my siblings and I went through when we got saved?I shudder! Or will I even rather in the entirety avoid getting saved and the persecution that comes with it-that’s the all together worst option, so I cant afford. If you can afford it, then go ahead and be unequally yoked.

  4. jemine October 4, 2010 at 12:48 pm #

    Hmm…lol. I guess its a ‘i-agree’ hmm…

  5. monsieur October 4, 2010 at 6:47 pm #

    I appreciate Gaminegirlie’s opinion especially given the relative calm she has observed in her parents’ relationship. One thing I have noticed so far is that the opinion of the Holy Spirit has yet to be factored in.

    John 16:13 says the Spirit of truth will guide you into all truth, and will make God’s opinion known to you (i.e. introduce either the written word or the spoken word of God to you in a personal dimension). Hence, His opinion on your choice must be received before any decision is made. I am certain based on the bible that He won’t lead you to an unbeliever.

    God always warned the children of Israel against marriage with gentiles-unbelievers (Deut. 7:3) because of their propensity to turn your heart from God. Solomon with all his wisdom and a PERSONAL revelation of God still had his heart turned from God – Nehemiah 13:26 – I doubt many have known God as much as Solomon yet this happened, how much more can we with less intimacy with God also fall prey. Samson’s ministry was cut short under similar circumstances.

    Similarly in the new testament, Christians (God’s Israel) are expressly warned against strong intimacy with unbelievers.
    Regardless of how nice the unbeliever is we must remember that they are still classed as evil and under Satan’s influence, hence they are of the kingdom of darkness and can be used at any time of the devil, they are not saved or put under God’s covering because we are in a relationship with them.

    I hope this helps.

    • Gaminegirlie October 4, 2010 at 7:36 pm #

      I really don’t understand how you can assume what God can do. God can lead you to whomever. His ways are not your ways, He will not lead you on the path of destruction surely! but where has the bible called an unbeliever, destruction!

      Ofcourse it is Ideal to marry a Believer! because Issues will always arise where there is a difference of opinion even on this blog now. Talk more, ‘Believers’ and ‘Non-believers’.But How can you dictate how God works??

      P:S I would really like to see that scripture in the New Testament where ‘Christians’ were warned against strong intimacy with unbelievers.

      • monsieur October 4, 2010 at 9:13 pm #

        I do not assume, I merely present what God says in the bible (at lease we agree He cannot go against His word).

        It is right for a wife to be with her husband as long as he is living; but when her husband is dead, she is free to be married to another; but only to a Christian.
        1 Cor 7:39 (BBE)

        Do not keep company with those who have not faith: for what is there in common between righteousness and evil, or between light and dark?
        2 Cor 6:14 (BBE)

        Hope these help.

      • Gaminegirlie October 4, 2010 at 10:03 pm #

        Monsieur,

        The things you quoted have really helped me see how you are quoting scriptures out of context and applying your own reasoning to them. Things which are plain and simple.
        I don’t know the translation you are using it’s quite foreign to me.

      • monsieur October 4, 2010 at 11:04 pm #

        Pardon me, the NIV version says:

        A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord.
        1 Cor 7:39

        The NLT version says:
        What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever?
        2 Cor 6:15

        I hope these are clear enough.

    • temiville October 4, 2010 at 7:51 pm #

      Thanks Monsieur for that! I think the importance of the Holy Spirit cannot be overemphasised.

      I’m sure God’s spoken Word through the Holy Spirit can never contradict His written Word (Bible). I’m not sure He will ever lead His child to marry an unbeliever.

    • monsieur October 4, 2010 at 11:11 pm #

      A deeper spiritual implication for a believer is that one is agreeing to unite one’s soul (possessed by God) with that of someone whose soul belongs to the Devil. God and Devil don’t mix.

  6. Ikemba Emeka Udo-Chijioke II October 4, 2010 at 6:54 pm #

    A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord (1 corinthians 7:39).

    To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. (1 Corinthians 7:12)

    The first scripture makes it clear that in entering marriage the partner the believer should marry should be a fellow believer. The context of the second passage is for those who were unsaved before marriage but then one partner got saved into the marriage.

    The days of ignorance God winked at. Would actually in His love give a child of His an unbeliever to marry? Would God who wants our peace and prosperity and spiritual growth actually do that? I think it is out of His holy character

    • Ennybabe October 4, 2010 at 7:57 pm #

      @ Ikemba, please don’t ever try to put God in a box. He is inexplainable-if that’s a word… You said God cannot give His child to an unbeliever to marry… Did God not ask Hosea to marry a prostitute?

      See God will do what He pleases. He might have been the one who asked GamineGirl’s mom to marry her dad and has sustained them. He might have asked Viary to date her bf. We never know. Let’s just keep praying.

      Peace!

      • Gaminegirlie October 4, 2010 at 8:00 pm #

        THANK YOU! LOL

      • monsieur October 4, 2010 at 8:24 pm #

        Strong point I must say, however, I must point out David was permitted by God to have as many wives, as was Solomon, the list is endless, that is surely not justification for polygamy.

        In the old covenant God permitted many crude ways, however since Jesus came, His covenant changed. Paul says that God winked at (permitted) these acts due to the spiritual ignorance that was prevalent (Acts 17:30).

        Now that we have the new testament (covenant), and knew source of knowledge (Holy Spirit, John 16:13) that is what we should model our lives on.
        The law (the old testament) is inadmissible if it contradicts the new testament because of the death of Jesus (Romans 7:4).

        If the Holy Spirit says through Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:39 we should marry CHRISTIANS only (The bible in basic English translation uses that word) then we have no excuse to do otherwise.

        Hope this helps.

      • Ikemba Emeka Udo-Chijioke II October 4, 2010 at 8:35 pm #

        God has principles. God told Hosea to marry the prostitute as a sign of israel’s pending doom. What happened to Hosea’s marriage to the prostitute? She went on whoring even after Hosea loved her to bits. God was showing something. Read the whole scripture there and keep it in its context. I am not keeping God in a box. God has principles which He expects us to obey for our own good. He is not a lawless God. I expected someone to raise the Hosea issue anyway. What do you say about when God instructed Israel not to marry from the unbelievers around them because it would end up as a snare to them? Is God now breaking His principle as a lawbreaker does? Keep things in the proper context and perspective. God bless you. This thing is common sense. marriage is not like a business transaction.

      • monsieur October 4, 2010 at 8:35 pm #

        Strong point I must say, however, David was permitted by God to marry many wives, the death penalty was sanctioned by God, along with many other crude acts. Paul lets us know that these acts were permitted because of the spiritual ignorance that prevailed (Acts 17:30)

        The coming of Christ has changed everything, the new testament which is a consequence of the Messiah’s death is the model for our lives. The law (old testament) is therefore inadmissible if it contradicts the new testament, since we no longer have to follow it. (Romans 7:4)

        The Holy Spirit which was released in the New Testament for us is the ultimate guide (John 16:13), and He used Paul to instruct us to marry CHRISTIANS only (1 Cor. 7:39) – the Bible in Basic English Translation uses the word Christians – why then should we follow the law which is now of non-effect.

        Also, God asked Hosea to do this as a demonstration of the state of Israel at the time (Hosea 3:1) and to prophesy over Israel’s relationship with God (Hosea 2). It was a specific and personal instruction not a general rule.

        Hope this is helpful

      • Charles Gillihan September 9, 2012 at 1:14 pm #

        You are using an isolated instance to create a universal truth. That is called an inductive fallacy in logic. God used that one incident to teach us how God’s is married to people who are ‘prostitutes’ with the world, or idol worshippers. It was also a direct command to a specific person; not to all people in all ages and times.

  7. Viary October 4, 2010 at 7:23 pm #

    I’m sorry but I see a lot of judgments being extended here! Don’t get me wrong oh. Im a Xtian but maybe not so born again cos right now I’m dating some1 who y’all will very likely term ‘an unbeliever’.

    We’ve not been together for long (4 months) but may I say he is 100 times better than the Christians I have seen and heard about (my father for one) who goes about talking about Christ yet, his family is suffering. We don’t see him. He doesn’t see us much. He is not my ‘ideal husband’ material. My boyfriend is loving, he is caring. He cares about my family. He cares about HIS family.

    So please I AM dating and WILL CONTINUE TO date this my ‘unbelieving’ man. If the end road is really spelled D-I-S-A-S-T-E-R, I am looking forward to the journey at least… Any btw, I AM praying for him. I may not be Holy Spirit Jnr but didnt God say call upon me and I will answer u?

    • Gaminegirlie October 4, 2010 at 7:44 pm #

      Please don’t be discouraged at all! My sister married an ‘Unbeliever’ too. And now, through the work of the Spirit, through Kind words, through Love, through Prayers. He has come to understand for himself what it means to be ‘Born Again’ What it means to Trust in Jesus. And that’s really the ‘Koko’

      • Ikemba Emeka Udo-Chijioke II October 4, 2010 at 8:19 pm #

        So are you going to marry an unbeliever?

      • Gaminegirlie October 4, 2010 at 8:58 pm #

        @Ikemba

        While I’m drawn to dismiss your silliness. I would say this. You should be more concerned about the things you believe than Who I am going to marry.

    • wandy October 4, 2010 at 8:03 pm #

      Christians from different denominations, with different beliefs, doctrines and mode of worship (Catholics and pentecostal, Deeper life Church members and say Christ Embassy)have certain things to agree on and deal with, how much more someone who possesses a form of godliness(unbeliever) but denies the power thereof.
      lets understand here, that we aint judging anyone. Unbelievers in this regard are not people who don’t go to church or believe that Christ isn’t real but people who have not submitted it all to Jesus. …old things have passed away behold all things have become new.
      you stand a chance to be corrupted and even when you think you are strong in a bid to change that dude or pretty young lady.
      Have good friends but when it is a matter of lifelong decisions that can affect you generation, it is wise you seek the face of God and be sure if you really want to go that lane.
      this is one mistake you dont wanna make. selah…..

    • Ikemba Emeka Udo-Chijioke II October 4, 2010 at 8:10 pm #

      God can turn anyone around. There is no doubt about His power, neither is there any doubt about His mercy. I will rather prefer to keep my life simple and follow simple instructions and biblical principles that work 100% of the time. God is not a policeman and He relates with us at our level of understanding. For baby Christians He will overlook a lot of things and cover up a lot of things for them but He will expect a more matured Christian to know better. That God overlooks something does not necessarily mean that He supports it. Abraham against God’s wish slept with Haggai as an alternative to getting a child from Sarah. Did God crucify? No! Did God like the idea? No! Did God stop him from doing it? No! Did God cover up for Abraham’s mess when Abraham got into trouble? Yes! Did God bless Abraham? Yes!
      In Romans 6, the bible asks if we should sin more so that grace may abound? The answer is No.

      Most likely, your relationship with your boyfriend may turn out well (it depends on the definition of ‘well’), but it is not because you are doing what is ideal but because God loves you and is merciful and would always make the best out of every situation. God will not throw away the baby with the bath water but He will make the best out of both situations. I pray that both you and your boyfriend get to love Jesus together and experience the presence of God in your home. You however must develop yourself as a Christian and make it a priority to lead Him to Christ because.
      Most of the problems in these types of relationships start when the saved partner begins to grow in the knowledge of God and the unsaved one is not growing or is uninterested. Very soon the unsaved partner will become a snare. If this relationship must work you MUST intercede for him and preach to him the gospel so that the two of you grow together. The other option is for you to stop growing and the both of you remain lukewarm. This though negative will make the relationship also work because the both of you will be similar.
      Fast forward to judgement day – do you want to be going to heaven and then he be on his way to hell? It makes no sense so preach the gospel to him and don’t stop till he gets saved.

      • Ikemba Emeka Udo-Chijioke II October 4, 2010 at 8:18 pm #

        If I had the option to choose, I will keep it simple and go for a relationship with a born-again, Spirit filled Christian with godly character. It is too complicated for me at my deep level of intimacy with God to also be deeply intimate with someone who does not accept Jesus as Lord. It is just too complicated and honestly, it is an exception rather than a norm for such a relationship to end well. Some end well but mehn, it is out of Yahweh’s special intervention. Most likely, both may reach equilibrium – backslidden state.

      • Gaminegirlie October 4, 2010 at 9:00 pm #

        Every One is a ‘Backslider’ You come across as a Holier than Thou type, very disturbing.

    • monsieur October 4, 2010 at 8:52 pm #

      I agree with you that it is wrong for Christian’s to neglect their wives, the bible even does, it says those men are worse than sinners and have denied the faith(1 Timothy 5:8).

      But I plead with you to follow Paul’s admonition to marry Christians (1 Cor. 7:38) because no matter how nice an unbeliever is, the devil controls his mind (Ephesians 2:2).

      Secondly, as a Christian, the devil seeks to cause you to fall (1 Peter 5:8) and sadly (I really hate to say this), the devil has every right and power to use the guy to achieve this, the guy cannot resist the devil since he doesn’t have God in him (1 John 5:18). So why endanger your walk with God?

      If you sincerely ask the Holy Spirit for help I am certain enough to wager my life that He will lead you to God’s choice.
      It may be this same guy but only if He becomes born again.

      Regards.

  8. Gaminegirlie October 4, 2010 at 9:11 pm #

    I would really like to have a one on one discussion with someone on this topic. Because from what I see here, people just pulling scriptures out of context, Misinterpretations (as they’ve bee fed all their life) some just quoting offtopic.It is saddening and mostly not their fault.

    I can only pray that God will help people break out of their conditioned minds, and read the bible for themselves. It is well o!

    • monsieur October 4, 2010 at 9:25 pm #

      I understand there are differences, but thank God for the Holy Spirit if we individually sincerely seek His opinion, He will reveal to us the will of the father and its practical application in our lives.

      Regards.

  9. Bgdc007 October 4, 2010 at 9:25 pm #

    Babes!!!! no ishhh oh! God’s standards cannot be reduced simples… Let everyone be fully persuaded in thier heart and convictions!!!! I believe all of you here ve the spirit of God, all i can advise is let God lead u!!! Holla

    • Gaminegirlie October 4, 2010 at 10:00 pm #

      Is there any talk about God’s ‘standards’ being reduced. It’s greatly annoying to see so many offtopic posts.

  10. wandy October 4, 2010 at 9:52 pm #

    i can imagine if i have to go for a church programme say- night vigil, mid-week service and my spouse looks at me call me names like SU or say things like ‘na u kill Jesus’, and ask me to stay back for no just reason. i could even be a member of the singing group, of which i was and before we met and you know i love doing this and all of a sudden, you begin to act up, dont like what i do and stuffs like that.
    understand the long term effect of decisions you make, dont be short sighted. At the end of the day, it your call. the ball is in your court.

    • Gaminegirlie October 4, 2010 at 9:58 pm #

      I’m sorry but that behaviour has nothing to do with whether the person is a Believer or an Unbeliever. You are imagining yourself married to a silly man. Goodluck.

      • Abby October 25, 2010 at 4:23 pm #

        Gaminegirl, I guess you have not seen situations wandy mentioned happen,that’s why you think she is imagining herself marrying a silly man. I have seen such happen many times. my dad is a muslim and i tell u, sometimes, for no reason,he won’t allow my mum go to church especially for mid-week services or night vigils,they can’t agree on a thing in prayer….that’s just one or two of many instances and that doesn’t mean that they are not happy together or they have failed us as parents or their marriage is not better than many others.They have been married for 39years but notwithstanding, my mum makes us to understand that it is better for us to marry one who we share the same faith with. I thank God, the Holy spirit is working in my dad and he is changing gradually. I also have a sister who is married to an unbeliever and i must tell u,it has affected her a whole lot, she was the first person to become a believer in my family and through her,some of us were also saved. She gradually lost her zeal for Christ after marriage because of her husband,I’m not assuming,she said it herself,now she’s trying to pick up again. I pray that the Almighty God will lead everyone of us aright.

  11. taiwo October 5, 2010 at 6:11 pm #

    i really love your comments guys especially monsier and ikemba…i do not agree with some people though but i pray the Holy Spirit leads them..you know what the bible says. God is not a man that He should lie, He honors His words more than His name. If He says do not b unequally yoked with unbelievers then that is it. im very much aware that people twist the scriptures to get what they want. we all know the truth and i pray the Holy Spirit continues to lead us to only the truth.

    • temiville October 5, 2010 at 8:59 pm #

      Amen Taiwo! God will give us all greater insights and help us understand His words more deeply.

  12. giddie23 October 6, 2010 at 5:43 am #

    hmmmm…interesting posts..all I can say is that God deals with us on individual basis..that It worked for “A” marrying an unbeliever..doesn’t mean its d same for another..why not ask God for direction..not when you have made up your mind on what to do, then you come to Him for Permission…According to Kenneth Haggin, there is an ‘absolute’ and a ‘permissive’ will of God..I’ll rather stick to His absolute will in my relationship/marriage. I strongly suggest that we ask God to show us what He wants for each of us in that regard. He’ll definitely reveal to you if you’ve trained your spiritual senses enough to know when He is the one speaking and not just your feelings..:)

  13. tomi October 6, 2010 at 9:21 am #

    Tomi Lasebikan October 6 at 9:19am
    Ehn!!!! What pact hath light with darkness? ….. have you not heard, who ever puts his hands on the plough and looks back is not fit for the kingdom of God. How go ye to be equally yoked with an unbeliever…
    BLASPHEMY!!!!

  14. Gaminegirlie October 7, 2010 at 1:28 am #

    People are funny. If we can’t be ‘Unequally’ yoked with an Unbeliever, I guess we can be ‘Equally’ yoked with them

  15. dayo October 7, 2010 at 4:45 am #

    I think the whole not marrying an unbeliever thing is Hogwash as I am an unbeliever in this context. I dont skabash(speak in strange tongues), I only go to church when i am chanced, I dont pay tithe, I hardly read the bible.

    My parents might be categorized as unbelievers but they have been married for 30yrs while the fire spitting ones are cheating, abusing their spouse and actually filing for divorce.

    I would prefer to marry this kind of unbeliever than the bible hugging hypocrite that is very common in Nigeria. Our churches are always full every Sunday and midweek yet all manner of crimes are carried out everyday. every first Friday of the month everyone troop to Redemption camp causing traffic jams yet these are the same who steal public funds.

    Most of the so-called believers are the Pharisees referred to in the bible. Jesus would rather eat in the house of a corrupt Zaccheaus than meet with the hypocritical pharisees.

    Abeg I am single and if there is any unbeliever in the house Holla at me. Let the believers hold dem side.

  16. Shande October 8, 2010 at 12:01 pm #

    Hey Temi
    Nice Write up! My own take on things is dat dating a believer can be challenging but dating an unbeliever will even be more challenging cus of the opposing viewpoints. It takes the grace of God for an unbeliever and a believer to be together. I know that it works for some people. I know of someone in particular who was a strong christian,got married to an unbeliever who eventually became a believer and became even more fired up for God than his wife. In that case i believe that God must have had a hand in that relationship or else things could have gone the other way round.
    I was as surprised as you were about Randy and Paula breaking up and also bout Juanita Bynum’s case.One thing i know for certain is that God does not desire for man to have a bitter marriage.I don’t know for certain why things didn’t work out in their marriages.People may look like the perfect couple on the exterior but only God knows what is going on behind closed doors.Sometimes even men of God make mistakes, they harden their heart towards God and allows easy access for the enemy to come into place. Juanita’s case was so touching to me cus i remembered when she got married to her ex husband. It was a big affair, they aired it on TBN and she looked so happy. Fastforward some yrs after the wedding, she is a victim of abuse!It’s either her ex husband wasn’t the rite man for her from the onset. Maybe she thought she heard from God but she didn’t or her husband was like King Saul who was chosen to be king but because he sinned against God, He couldnn’t fulfill his destiny. Only God knows what went wrong.

    The main thing is before you enter into a relationship or a marriage, seek God’s face. Don’t let your emotions get the better of you. Even when you are in your marriage or relationship, you still need to pray with your spouse.Its also good to set boundaries when u’re in a relationship just to keep things in check.

    • kayode October 20, 2010 at 2:34 am #

      I totally agree with your point of view SHANDE ” before you enter into a relationship or a marriage, seek God’s face. Don’t let your emotions get the better of you”,Basically 90% of christians make that mistake by allowing their emotions get in the way when engaging a conversation / relationship with the opposite sex that leads to a lot of false visions, body chemistry and at the end when they feel they are enjoying each others communion they feel that marriage will be great between them (undoubtedly).This statement “Sometimes even men of God make mistakes, they harden their heart towards God and allows easy access for the enemy to come into place” applies to most people in the sense that they harden their minds towards each other thereby giving the enemy access to plant seeds of misunderstanding and lack of trust for each other. Like you rightly said Pray before entering into a relationship / marriage and set boundaries when in a relationship.

  17. Amira November 25, 2010 at 12:54 pm #

    Okay, after reading all comments, i had to read the post itself a second time. To date or not to date? i guess thats the issue. My concern is that most people just looked at it from extremes.
    Like what about that xtian that is still feeding on milk and not strong meat yet? (1st peter 2.2, 1st corinthians 3.2, hebrews 5.14.)
    Let us also understand that we may all be xtians but from different denominations where somethings are completely frowned at in some cases and accepted in other cases both sides with scriptural backings e.g Trouser/No trouser, Divorce&remarriage etc and
    Temi do u remember your chukky and ireti story, I like to see Ireti as the milk christian and chukky as the strong meat christian. While chukky turned out to be the bad boy in the end, Ireti had become a better christian.

    Hmm i dont kabash, does that mean i have lost out on some holy brother??? Just wondering???

    I think theres alot more to this, like foundationaly how much born again is born again enough and by whose standards. Then maybe we can proceed.

  18. Finest August 25, 2011 at 3:45 pm #

    What do i do now that i am already in love and attached with an unbeliver?

  19. Charles Gillihan September 9, 2012 at 1:17 pm #

    The original article here says, ‘judge not’, and is taken out of context. The Bible tells Christians to judge with God’s Law, not some subjective standard. “Judge not,” is often quoted; thus, they often misapply the words that Jesus spoke in Matthew 7:1. These words mean something and I believe we must properly apply them to our lives.
    Some have taken these words of Jesus too far and teach that Christians must not judge at all. However, if that is what this passage means, then we have a problem because Jesus tells us in the very next verses and other scriptures that we must discern or judge certain things and people. Again, the words of Jesus are plain when he said, “Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.” (John 7:24) Also the term “discern” denotes: “a distinguishing, a clear discrimination, discerning, judging,” is translated “discernings, judging by evidence whether they are evil or of God.” According to Hebrews 5:14 Christians who are mature can discriminate or judge between good and evil. Therefore, the words of Jesus were not a blanket condemnation of judging. For instance, Jesus taught, “Do not judge according to appearance . . . ” Now how many of us are guilty of this very thing? I know some who judge other because of the appearance of their skin. This is not right! Others judge and show respect of a person because of the clothes worn (James 2:1-10). Also, some judge others while they are doing the very same thing that they are condemning (Rom. 2:1). This is simply comparing God’s standard of judgment, His word (John 12:48) and making proper judgments.
    Things We Are To Judge
    We must discern those with whom we associate (1 Cor. 15:33). We must judge preachers! Yes, people must judge those of us who preach the gospel. John taught the brethren, “Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits, whether they are of God; because many false prophets have gone out into the world.” (1 John 4:1). Each who listens to my preaching and teaching must judge me whether I am teaching the truth. You need to compare the things I teach by scriptures, not your opinion of what the scriptures teach (Acts 17:10-11).

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  21. Ayo November 29, 2013 at 9:28 pm #

    woww!!
    i needed help as to this issue and i am greatly happy i found this blog though its more like i am late. But for d fact that one cannot question God, i will ask him why He ‘allowed’ me fall in love with an unbelievr.. Now, don’t reply by tackling my use of the term ‘allow’ cause i used it delibrately. He has greater control over me than my choice, he knows my weakness, He knows the end from the beginning and yet I met this amazing being. God knew what meeting him will end like, He knew he is an unbeliever but….as His Lordship pleases!!
    Maybe the devil even arranged our meeting, maybe i chose to fall in love with him myself, maybe i went farther than a xtian should, maybe i didnt watch and pray…
    my ex is a xtian but this unbelieving brother makes me happy much more than anyother person does… Now, tell me something… God has greater and better plans..right? I wonder why i met him in the first instance then, God must have had a way of preventing us… I dare not question his Authority and supremacy though but i do love this unbeliever.
    God gave me a go ahead though, maybe a permissive will but God did with the warning that i should prepare for what it takes… i am as scared as God knows what sha and thats how i got here…

    some comments here are however ‘hmmm’ cause the definition of an unbeliever in 21st century xtianity differs. sinners are now categorised according to fellowships and denominations and we do not know which is which. an unbeliever to me, is however someone who doesnt see or accept Christ as our saviour and way to heaven.
    if we have a different version of an unbeliever then it can also include not unequally yoked with a different doctrine believer of the bible. Truth be said, it takes grace to stand unequally yoked with unbelievers since they are all around. Even a close friend relationship with an unbeliever may also go a long way and its like we do not want to take that as a big deal..
    i am still at loss on what to do.. i dont mind a spiritually matured friend… And just for the records..God can give you a go ahead to date an unbeliever though i am not sure that wouldnt be termed as permissive will.. but he gave me the go ahead and didnt keep quiet about the probable consequences…
    frgv my errors…

  22. Olivia January 27, 2014 at 8:49 am #

    This is a place I find myself now and I can’t help but feel in some ways that the holy spirt led me to this person. Although I understand the philosophy behind not dating an unbeliever sometimes….it happens. We find ourselves in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share our faith. Maybe it was a moment of weakness, a season that existed with little faith, either way, because I’ve had sex with this person I now feel obligated to try and honor what god would want. Maybe that’s an excuse to stay with him, I love him so this is easy to do. But, maybe I’m supposed to bear this cross because of my mistakes. I don’t think it’s right to abandon the relationship now. We are connected forever whether I like it or not and although the relationship is not terrible, we do indeed live by a different set of morals. So, this question is better raised prior to engaging in a relationship with an unbeliever. No one talks about what to do after a relationship has already begun, especially an intimate one.

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  1. Truth or blatant heresy? « Musings of a Caramel Latte Addict - October 7, 2010

    [...] (Romans 16:24, Proverbs 2:6). I really am confused. Like I am wont to saying and mentioned in my recent post on another blog, when confused, reach for the Word of God. It never fails. So what sayeth the Bible [...]

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